The Lyceum Experience

So most of the people who truly, deeply know me have been surprised with what I've been doing for the past 6 months, or for longer than that.

Everyone's been convinced that I would go to a school to learn about fashion or went to Brazil in February, well that's because that's what I've told them. I was pretty convinced myself that I would be in fashion school by now and would be graduating soon, and I would've been to Brazil last February, had my ticket printed, hotel booked and friends approved, but then I left last October for the Philippines. I was scared, not-driving up-a-bridge kind of scared, or going-up-a-flight-of-stairs-to-jump-from-a-height-with-only-a-line-and-a harness-holding-me-in-place kind of scared, more like a...God, I'm about to come face to face to something/someone that could make or break me, but I still went...to another route though.

The past 6 months have been great, not what I would usually describe as phenomenal but the fact that I haven't been robbed, haven't been a hostage, never been threatened, lacerated and in fact still living up to this very moment is pretty...great.

I make it sound like a horrid story, it really isn't. Here goes,

On the 15th of September, I pussied out of yet another promise I made a friend to come see him. Wrote my resignation paper, rerouted my ticket, checked out for schools in Manila, asked my aunt if I could live with her children who go to the same school, she said yes so, I called my dad and told him my grand plan. He laughed, then realized the seriousness of my tone and then kept quiet and sighed.

A month later, 14th of October, I landed in the Philippines, I made sure not to wear mascara that time, my first time was a blood bath. I cried on my way out the airport, yes, literally a 10 hours cry. I visited schools, took my pick and now here I am about to enter my 2nd semester as an International Relations Student Majoring in Diplomacy and will hopefully be continuing right after as a Law Student.
I know it's a far cry from being a fashion designer, it was a very pretty dream but I realized I can do so much more with this mouth and the musings in my head, I could barely draw to save my life...but I can talk and I love it, and that I'm required to learn a foreign language is definitely the most titillating part of this college experience. (I don't know why but as I'm typing my mind is reading my blog with a British accent.)

I joined two organizations - CLEP (Center for Language and Education Profiency) and the Debate Society, I love CLEP, I love the people and I love my students, I'm such a soft ball, I've cried about a million times for every student I've had..and I only had 5. They were such sweethearts, I learned so much about their Culture and a couple of words, I have to say I wasn't really a fan of Koreans, let alone Asians before I joined CLEP but they really got me hooked. It was such an honor and a marvelous experience to teach them English the best way I know how, we still communicate from time to time and I really am looking forward to sharing more with new students to come.
This coming semester I'll be joining UNESCO or UNICEF, the Foreign Service Club and some others.

I made a lot of friends as well, mostly Africans - they fascinate me. I dated one for sometime, surprisingly longer than a fruit fly's life span. He was great, we just had very little in common and had too big dreams that we couldn't jeopardize them just to be together, we're both students not that age is a matter. I'll be watching his games maybe, and if he doesn't die of boredom watching me debate well, that would be awesome.

I make it sound like I'm writing an essay for my Politics and Governance class, but I'm really happy though that I get to write at all, I wanted to be a writer but for the life of me, I am too moody for that.

It's also a wholly different experience to be the girl that some of my classmates look up to, I've been in the work front, I've done a lot of things, some I'm utterly proud of and some I will take to my grave in secrecy, mostly because I'm the oldest they've been in class with - besides in my classes with the Engineering guys, I'm the second oldest which is something i take good pride to know..and I'm only 20. Most of them are fresh grads, still a little bit high school oriented, but it's fun to play sometimes, feel a little younger.

I've been working for far too long, talking about marriage and having a family. Frankly, I've moved on from high school WHILE I was in high school it's good to feel like my age sometimes, but really...just sometimes, I'm proud of my battle scars and the things I've gone through to get to this place of peace and the feeling of usefulness....
I've had better grades than all of my years in high school combined, probably because I'm no longer rushing to get out and grow up, I've been out and have grown a little. I know I'm not 40, but I have done way too many in soo little time and indistinguishably excited to do much more.

I live in a nice place with my brother, get three hours of sleep tops even on weekends, but that sense of...doing something, making a difference, even if its just to myself, for now...at some point I'm looking to share it with someone, then a whole lot of someones. (it does sound like an Essay, what the hell)

Although I don't get so much sleep and time to do my hair or put thicker make up than vampire lipstick just to have a little color and hide the night before's stress, it's good to be busy and productive. That's why swimming pools were invented, so I can think more than I do in stable grounds HAHA.

I'm taking back all that's been deprived of me this summer, so I don't really mind being in the couch all day, watching horror movies in the morning and not being able to fall asleep because...something might be lurking around.



Making a difference one step at a time

Good Luck :)

xoxo

Besides Excellence

Everything starts with Psychoanalysis and most of the time ends with it as well, for instance when you enroll for a particular course in a University, or you join a university wide or college based organization, even during an interview for a job that you could so badly want or just a matter of being broke or being forced into responsibility...we all are asked to answer one particular question “Why you?” “Why do you want to join our organization/club?” “Why should we hire you?”

My answer is always along these lines or most of the time all of them; “I am determined”, “I am motivated”, “I work hard”; Two of those is a lie, because although I do work hard, I am very less determined and less motivated, I try hard to do so and find inspirations on why I should be determined and motivated. It’s easier said than done but often covered up by my ability to stay up nights and finish a job to excellence if not perfection.

Just now I was really craving for a smoke, I’ve been bumming around for most of the day knowing that I have two exams to answer to tomorrow, English 11 and Politics and Governance both I have no problem with, Thank God. I love them enough to be listening and giving the best answers possible, most ly because they could be answered subjectively and that’s probably one of my talents – to be able to answer to something I have no single clue about. I think fast and this is why I’m being talked into being a lawyer by anyone who’s spoken with me, when I am at my best (This actually only happens when I’m extremely upset) 

I went out even when it was heavily raining, I played scenarios in my mind knowing that I would come back down later and disrupt my concentration from my 2 minute review so I decided to open my umbrella and go to that old man selling cigarettes by the building, he wasn’t there; Why would he? It’s about to flood, I looked at the street and no store within the area is open so I walked, my iPad tucked in my armpit jeans wet as hell, saw a store asked for a Marlboro Black, they don’t sell’em. Walked more and still nothing till I reach halfway to the end of the street and saw another store, she said she only had lights but they were red ones. I settled. I shouldn’t have, I wasted 5 pesos and eventually threw the stick after 2 hits and regretting that 2 hits right now, reds have this really disgusting after taste and smell.

I always tell people not to settle, but I settled for a red. I always tell people to “follow what your heart says” 

but not once have I followed what my heart said, except this one time I decided to fuck work and go back to the Philippines take up International Relations in Miriam College, here I am but in the Lyceum of the Philippines University which I have grown to really love, but still I settled. Miriam College had a lot of religious things going on and it wasn’t something I wanted to get caught up in, I have enough to argue about. 

I didn’t follow my heart that said go to Brazil, go get that son of a bitch.I learned the language night and day, I worked my ass off at a job that I hated to afford a ticket, I called all the right people, I BOOKED A GOD DAMN HOTEL, I finally bought a ticket...to a different route. I didn’t follow my heart when it said go to FEU since you miss Chris so much, Simply because the going went tough, like I was broke as fuck and my boss was grinding me to my grave or that he won’t answer my call so I’ll just wait for him to come to me instead. But I did follow my heart when it said “These grades are gonna be on your transcript, get anything less than 2.00 and you are not going to do whatever you want to do in the United Nations, get anything less than 2.00 and you will see this on paper” We all fear anything that’s on paper, anything that would literally show us on black and white that we have failed and black and white is scary. I was motivated not to have a below average grade because I know I would have to face it and anything that ruins my future, I do not allow it, if it’s a little heartbreak or losing someone you thought was the one, heh..You’ll find something and/or better and besides no one knows your story, you could simply lie about it. But when it’s written down and for the world to see, worse…for your future to see…Well, that is something else.

I love what I’m doing in school and although the organizations I’ve joined require 27 hours of my day, mostly just to keep me from being bored and from thoughts of wanting to give this up as well for a fun, luxurious life in Abu Dhabi. I’m gonna hold on to this, I’m figuring out what I want to be after I graduate but I’ve always had a feeling I should be traveling, being around women, BECOMING a woman, helping women, I should be a feminist that’s what it sounds like, aye? But truly, honestly I just know that it is harder for women to make it, to prove what they have made and to leave marks we will be proud of, this is what motivates me but simply not enough, I am inspired yes, by Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton and Beyonce, as well but it is not enough and I really hope I find it soon, I’m not referring to a man because at this moment in my life, I am really thankful that I’m not being bothered by one, I have not the time for it and the energy to fight. Motivation and determination if you will. I have set goals, actually I set goals every year, scratch that..I set goals every month and proudly, most of my March issue is already crossed out than any of my other months previously.

To finding what or who keeps us motivated and determined more than just the will to work hard.

Cheers

xx

Closure.

I watched him, Mohammad with my grade-school-so-fucking-inlove-with-you eyes, eyeing him wherever he went wanting to say hi so bad, and tell him I loved him. My beautiful reverie was snapped back to life when his sister - Sara, yelled my name and incessantly teased me about my year-long unknown love for her brother, my friends laugh at me and accuse him of homosexuality, "watch the way he moves, Sarah. He could well be very, very gay" (of course, my dream wouldn't let any grammar mistakes to take place in this horrific mind) "no he's not gay, he's so cute look at those blue eyes that blond hair". I've always wanted to fall in love with a Lebanese, until I realized that most of them do act more womanly than I, which had finally put an end to that era - it was black, bald, talk, handsome, football-playing men from then on. I was defiantly turned off by any Lebanese man who lured around after that harsh slap of reality.

"And then...there was your son...in all his *sigh*" he took my hand and smiled shyly at me, his eyes glinting with ardor and passion for me, his eyes, the reason I fell in love with him - it reminded me of my mother's - ones that even when they're so mad, so afraid, so happy, it all just say one thing - I love you Sarah.

"I really thought I would never fall in love with another Lebanese man, I mean I'm sorry to say this but you just really move very poised, maybe I was jealous...I was 16 and I wore hoodies and rubber shoes to work. I could work heels, I have been since I was 14 but I at least could let my hair down, but you guys just don't seem to do that, I'm sorry, God I need to shut up now! But then, oh my god! He took those Ray Bans off, and his eyes....oh those eyes, Mr. Yaghi!" "Call me Bachar" I have won his heart, even with my yabbering...

"Those eyes, I remember thinking "it was like a key turning in a lock" a quote from a book a read earlier on, I came to work that day thinking "this is going to be fun, I can meet a lot of people, get to know a lot of nationalities, maybe someone to flirt around with nothing serious...." but I knew that wouldn't be the case when he took those Ray Bans off and he smiled at me, reached for my hand and then it was sealed. I was taken, that instant. Fear struck my heart, and I had to shut up, no help from force." I remember I was pained,  my expression happy and awestruck but I was pained - because this man could well be the love of my life and I knew he was...my great love, someone I now call an organ that I didn't know I had, but now have a name for finally - Khalil and he was more important than my beating heart. A piece that if were taken away from me could be the death of me.

His father smiles at me and tears pool his eyes, I wasn't done...I had so much to say about the first time we met, it was nothing compared to the next 10 days we had after, which were also beautiful but they were just an extension and substantiation to what I already knew - that I loved this man, this man who stood in front of me, who talks about me when I'm not around to an Australian family waiting on cue for the zipline, I came and grabbed a harness to help him, he looked at me and there it was again, a feeling I could never get used to, because it was just new every time, he had the same look at it was the same man, but it was always new, and it always sent tingles everywhere.

"Is that her?" said the OZ mother, "it sure is" and with another look that could make me faint under the sun and his stare. "I could just see that there's something going on with you two" I animatedly explained to his father what the OZ mother said, "I mean I wasn't there and he was talking about me, I pretended not to care and just smile but I was dying inside, I wanted to pounce at him and ask him to marry me, these OZ people could be our only guests I wouldn't have cared"

"Will you do us the honor"
"of being a part of our family"
"by becoming my wife?"

It was like music in my ears, his stepmother watches me with a beautiful gleaming smile and I was under pressure...I wanted to scream my answer but I pulled out my phone and called my mom who was 7,423 miles away, to ask her what she thought and she sleepily asked me "why are you asking me?!" and I screamed at them "YES!"

I suddenly jolted out of bed after having woken up from a very long dream, probably from being too giddy and jumping up and down in my reverie, I ran to my laptop wanting to tell you all about it as I did about the green key I found in your jacket, that was my verification that you were the one 3 days after having met you.
"My world is a secret, the only people who can enter is my dad and my best friend...if I gave you a key then it won't be a secret anymore" an icy-cold breeze ran past through my face and my fingers that made me rub my hands and put each in the pockets of the jacket you lent me the night before...and there it was...the key to my world, which brought tears to Danica's eyes.

As I searched for your name on facebook as I always do when I want to say something to you, I realized...we're no longer those people, and we will never be the people in my dream, and I could never let you know exactly how I felt with much animation and ardor and excitement as I do when I tell my mom about you, and how similar your eyes are.

I realized you will never be mine again just as I never did anything to let you know that I felt this way, just as I worked so hard to push you away than to let you know how much I loved you then, it seemed easier at the time. I promised a gazillion times of coming to Brazil and I never pushed through because I'm still scared to let you know till the moment came and I could finally do it, but you were just no longer in love with me, with reasons I can never blame you for. Love, you've found love in someone else and I will forever be grateful for the time we spent together and the times you looked after me although we were 7,423 miles apart, for never leaving my side when I needed you most, for never letting a birthday pass without letting me know you didn't forget. In a couple of weeks, I would've known you for three years now, and I am so glad, so so glad when I think of the times I made you smile, and that you're one of the reasons I'm here trying to make my life better, because I hope that one day I get to tell you about this as well...

And what I felt when you first took those Ray Bans off and asked me to hold your ID while you go and try the zipline before anyone else, and when I took a video of you while you bungee jumped, but most of all, when we sat there listening to Danica's iTouch to songs that could well be the song that we ride the sunset off to those nights and I rest my leg on top of yours in silence and the whole world just disappeared. I love you so...I kept thinking I wouldn't tell anyone about this until this day comes, but the days go by and each day I lose hope, but at the same time I am sincerely and truthfully happy for where your life is leading, you have brought it to yourself and I have no doubt you worked hard for it.

I figured if I don't get to tell you, I could let the world know an inkling of what was going on in my heart when you first took those Ray Bans off... :)

Carpe Diem.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” - Paulo Coelho

Ps. Don't let age or your fear of never meeting anyone else again be the reason that you never meet that ONE person again. :)

The Things That Matter

Looking back at the year that's nearing its end, I realize the things that matter. The people that made them matter, because THEY matter. 

Usually by this time of the year my best friend and I would be sitting at the bar in NRG - where she celebrated her 16th birthday and have grown to love since -  sipping margaritas and corona, talking about heart race to heart breaks, new found love and songs that could possibly be the perfect tune for fading into the sunset before the credits roll in. 

This year I'm not with her, and this year she's with someone else - her husband, who is amazing beyond words, he's not perfect but he's perfect for her and I am grateful for him while I went and try to find myself and more things that matter.

Three months here in the Philippines, I can't say it's bad at all but it sure is better than my first experience here, and this sure wasn't my first choice either. I am still deciding on letting anyone in on the latter, but it sure would be quite a relief - at least I think so.

I decided to come here for a lot of reasons - one of them is that my father is getting old, in 2 years he's going to be retiring and I'd really hate to see the look on his face when he realizes he hasn't made me graduate school - the simplest thing in the world. So I took my bags, bought a ticket online and then told them about my plans - I took a stand which has been a rare sighting from me in ages. The thought of this pool tears in my eyes, I haven't said much about things and that's so not me - things that matter.

Since my reasonable time here in the Philippines, I've felt pretty good, my grades are good, I'm getting to know myself a little more everyday, I help myself discover the people around me, the places I could see, I've recently took on a job in the school's Language and Education Center to teach English to Koreans. My essay was described to be long and poetic, I thought it was irrelevant - my essay. I enjoy my course that is AB Foreign Service major in Diplomacy, I really have no idea what to do with it yet but being in my Political Science two times a week help make it clear to me that I love banter, the healthy ones. At first I was really just taken by the language course it requires, I have a choice between Spanish, French, Mandarin or Japanese. My first choice would be obvious, but then I apply myself in the picture that my classes paint in my mind and I can't say they ain't pretty. I love countries, languages, culture anything that has something to do with diversity and I would one day like to contribute or be one who can leave a footprint in one or more of things that concern those.

I realize that I'm blabbering all over my point, but then that also gives me a glimpse of who I really am and who I was before and some things will just have to be changed, like my decisiveness for one. 

Carpe Diem.

xoxo

Eidkum Mubarak

I may just be the most excited little girl in the world right now, while everyone's at my mother's house in Bahia..I'm at work, they'll be picking me up at 12 am sharp.

I purposely skipped lunch and dinner because I know I'll be pigging out tomorrow hahaha. Families and Relatives have come all the way from Sharjah and Ras Al Khaima, and me well..from Khalidiya haha.

Tomorrow will be Eid, a celebration special to us Muslims...our somewhat, somehow massive X-mas in the middle of the year while it's scorching hot.

My last words to my dad before I left last night to come back here in the city because Eid was supposed to fall either today or tomorrow, but since the moon didn't show up last night it was decided that tomorrow would be it "You better think about my Eidiya really hard, because I got you your favorite perfume which I bought from MY salary." he answered with a "you're 20, and I have 8 grandchildren and your cousin's kids too" I didn't care, my reason was that I'm his youngest child, I could be fifty and would still be his youngest child therefore, deserves a gift.

All of us are bringing food from home, sort of like a buffet and I'm assigned with the ice cream.

Looking forward to happy fat tomorrow, won't even bother imagining how gruesome it'll be right after.

EID MUBARAK LOVELIES! HAVE A BLESSED AND GRAND NIGHT! 

XOXO,

carpe diem!

Great News.

The past couple of weeks have been crazy for me and my cousins - Leah and Lhyn. We've decided to...drum roll please and pause for effect....

OPEN A SWEETS AND CATERING SERVICES!!!! 

Actually my mother started the business back in 2006, she opened up a restaurant which little did we know have actually been going great, due to our then lack of interest in the field (I'm still not quite charmed by it, it's just that...I find cooking my peaceful moment, it's like I don't want to ruin it by the hustle and bustle of a real life restaurant and much more to be stuck in it...I mean I want to be able to travel and move about, not for the rest of my life of course but to at least have the option to, whenever I can and/or want to and that's what catering does most of the time, well I know it'll only be out and about UAE or within just Ras Al Khaima, that's where it's going to be. It's sort of an extension of Al Qanaa Restaurant - My mom's, we've all decided to resign from our very unfulfilling office jobs, where there is no growth, advancement and experience gained with the years we've stayed in them. I'll be out of Graphya by January and my cousins on February and March consecutively.

I'm just so excited about it, I've been draining my brain cells in designing the uniform and putting a menu together, and using my contacts for free of charge print out of business cards and flyers hahaha. In business it's always about who you know and not what you know. Since my mother already has clients and our family's like all over the UAE, I'm hoping it wouldn't be so hard to enter the market, we begin after Eid, starting with a little capital from each of us while it's under my mother's license and shop, since it's a catering thingy we're not in much need of a solid brick and stone just yet until we're officially jobless and able to completely be focused in it. It'll be sort of like a part time job now and do what we can with our weekends, we'll do the costing and all the other little details. My mom's sister will do all the cooking - she's magnificent, she made my cousin's wedding cake and I'm hoping she'll make mine too, one day.

We have a daily or nightly...(more like midnightly) meeting about our tasks and updates and since we're in different emirates we all have to communicate through the AWEEESOMEEE app on our s3s (it was like a plague that happened to us, swapped off our iphones to galaxy s3 in a flash every single member of our family are holding one hahaha, its kind of our thing. no one gets left behind even in the gadgets department) anyway it's called whatsapp. HAHAHA.

We'll showcase our food and creativity on Eid in our family gathering, bazillion mouths to feed and since I'm the one who knows what my smurfs will eat, I will be the errand lady - gladly, for this psychos including myself.

Wish us luck! we'll need every bit of it!

xoxo!

carpe diem.

PS. I'm still going to Brasil, and already working on my itinerary! multi tasker slash dreamer that's me.

More updates soon.

Big pony boy kiss and Eid Mubarak lovelies!

  

You can't buy me moments.

I hate sunburns, that's what up. But I love the beach, I wouldn't trade the feeling of floating in the water for nightclubs or getting wasted. Although my last attempt on my birthday the water did tell me that it could be a bad idea and it was, I slept through my afternoon shift at work right under the camera so I wouldn't be claimed tardy by my boss is probably on the beach herself that day watching us from her phone (not quite possible but with this woman, she'd do anything to see me mess up and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction - positive thoughts Sarah!)

Anyway, It's been a great week for me spent way too much time with the kids and my siblings who endlessly bullied me the whole weekend from pushing me into the pool, drawing with the cake's icing on my face while sleeping but it was great fun, Sofia (who I'd like to think was named after me because she's a spitting image of me - That I have proof of haha.) told me "Zia, when I grow up I'm gonna look like you" Before I could let out a loving "awww baby, you're so sweet!" she interrupted with a huge sigh and a "kasi I'm so brown na, but I love swimming so I think I'll end up looking like you".

The part I appreciated the most was when she sang my currently most favorite song for me as her gift,  which I loved! Will upload that on youtube later. And that my brother who sadly wasn't with us on that amazing day spent an entire night chatting with me, he finally opened up to me - we're pretty close but not to the point were we talk about our dating life, not even crushes let alone boyfriends/girlfriends. I was so surprised while in the midst of teasing each other - we call each other NIGZ - as in nigger, which we both are, the only ones in the clan haha, even joked that when I have children they'd call him "uncle nigz!" anyway, he just bursted it out and talked about what he felt about this girl, that he's been wanting to shout out to the world but couldn't not because he was ashamed of what he felt but that he didn't know how to say it and that there never seemed a right time for it, everyone thinks this girl feels the same but then she's basically perpetually owned by everyone in the world and even have others lined up waiting (guess who related?). I jokingly but lovingly said "well I totally agree, aren't our pretty faces such a waste?" It wasn't about what he was talking about that I loved, it was that he told me these things that I've been so afraid to tell him which finally also made me open up to him although his response wasn't as supportive as mine "STILL??? SARAH!!!".

I already paid for that stupidity by getting my head banged onto my brother's back with my glasses on, people who wear glasses are the only ones who can understand how painful that could be.

Plenty things happened this week, memorables ones only thank god.

The staff surprised me after trying to piss me off on my worst day, which only made me cry harder when I saw the candles being lit...such a baby I know, but these are the moments money can't buy and i wouldn't trade them for the world:)

"With love, there are no rules. The heart decides and what it decides is all that really matters.”  Paulo Coelho - my newest boyfriend. hahaha.

carpe diem

xoxo


IDK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POST LOL - WILL FIX THIS SOON .