Everything starts with Psychoanalysis and most of the time
ends with it as well, for instance when you enroll for a particular course in a
University, or you join a university wide or college based organization, even
during an interview for a job that you could so badly want or just a matter of
being broke or being forced into responsibility...we all are asked to answer
one particular question “Why you?” “Why do you want to join our
organization/club?” “Why should we hire you?”
My answer is always along these lines or most of the time
all of them; “I am determined”, “I am motivated”, “I work hard”; Two of those
is a lie, because although I do work hard, I am very less determined and less
motivated, I try hard to do so and find inspirations on why I should be
determined and motivated. It’s easier said than done but often covered up by my
ability to stay up nights and finish a job to excellence if not perfection.
Just now I was really craving for a smoke, I’ve been bumming
around for most of the day knowing that I have two exams to answer to tomorrow,
English 11 and Politics and Governance both I have no problem with, Thank God.
I love them enough to be listening and giving the best answers possible, most
ly because they could be answered subjectively and that’s probably one of my
talents – to be able to answer to something I have no single clue about. I
think fast and this is why I’m being talked into being a lawyer by anyone who’s
spoken with me, when I am at my best (This actually only happens when I’m extremely
upset)
I went out even when it was heavily raining, I played scenarios in my
mind knowing that I would come back down later and disrupt my concentration
from my 2 minute review so I decided to open my umbrella and go to that old man
selling cigarettes by the building, he wasn’t there; Why would he? It’s about
to flood, I looked at the street and no store within the area is open so I
walked, my iPad tucked in my armpit jeans wet as hell, saw a store asked for a
Marlboro Black, they don’t sell’em. Walked more and still nothing till I reach
halfway to the end of the street and saw another store, she said she only had
lights but they were red ones. I settled. I shouldn’t have, I wasted 5 pesos
and eventually threw the stick after 2 hits and regretting that 2 hits right
now, reds have this really disgusting after taste and smell.
I always tell people not to settle, but I settled for a red.
I always tell people to “follow what your heart says”
but not once have I
followed what my heart said, except this one time I decided to fuck work and go
back to the Philippines take up International Relations in Miriam College, here
I am but in the Lyceum of the Philippines University which I have grown to
really love, but still I settled. Miriam College had a lot of religious things
going on and it wasn’t something I wanted to get caught up in, I have enough to
argue about.
I didn’t follow my heart that said go to Brazil, go get that son
of a bitch.I learned the language night and day, I worked my ass off at a job that I hated to afford a ticket, I called all the right people, I BOOKED A GOD DAMN HOTEL, I finally bought a ticket...to a different route. I didn’t follow my heart when it said go to FEU since you miss
Chris so much, Simply because the going went tough,
like I was broke as fuck and my boss was grinding me to my grave or that he
won’t answer my call so I’ll just wait for him to come to me instead. But I did
follow my heart when it said “These grades are gonna be on your transcript, get
anything less than 2.00 and you are not going to do whatever you want to do in
the United Nations, get anything less than 2.00 and you will see this on paper”
We all fear anything that’s on paper, anything that would literally show us on
black and white that we have failed and black and white is scary. I was
motivated not to have a below average grade because I know I would have to face
it and anything that ruins my future, I do not allow it, if it’s a little heartbreak
or losing someone you thought was the one, heh..You’ll find something and/or
better and besides no one knows your story, you could simply lie about it. But
when it’s written down and for the world to see, worse…for your future to
see…Well, that is something else.
I love what I’m doing in school and although the
organizations I’ve joined require 27 hours of my day, mostly just to keep me from being bored and from
thoughts of wanting to give this up as well for a fun, luxurious life in Abu
Dhabi. I’m gonna hold on to this, I’m figuring out what I want to be after I
graduate but I’ve always had a feeling I should be traveling, being around
women, BECOMING a woman, helping women, I should be a feminist that’s what it
sounds like, aye? But truly, honestly I just know that it is harder for women
to make it, to prove what they have made and to leave marks we will be proud
of, this is what motivates me but simply not enough, I am inspired yes, by
Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton and Beyonce, as well but it is not enough and I
really hope I find it soon, I’m not referring to a man because at this moment
in my life, I am really thankful that I’m not being bothered by one, I have not
the time for it and the energy to fight. Motivation and determination if you
will. I have set goals, actually I set goals every year, scratch that..I set
goals every month and proudly, most of my March issue is already crossed out
than any of my other months previously.
To finding what or who keeps us motivated and determined
more than just the will to work hard.
Cheers
xx
