The Lyceum Experience

So most of the people who truly, deeply know me have been surprised with what I've been doing for the past 6 months, or for longer than that.

Everyone's been convinced that I would go to a school to learn about fashion or went to Brazil in February, well that's because that's what I've told them. I was pretty convinced myself that I would be in fashion school by now and would be graduating soon, and I would've been to Brazil last February, had my ticket printed, hotel booked and friends approved, but then I left last October for the Philippines. I was scared, not-driving up-a-bridge kind of scared, or going-up-a-flight-of-stairs-to-jump-from-a-height-with-only-a-line-and-a harness-holding-me-in-place kind of scared, more like a...God, I'm about to come face to face to something/someone that could make or break me, but I still went...to another route though.

The past 6 months have been great, not what I would usually describe as phenomenal but the fact that I haven't been robbed, haven't been a hostage, never been threatened, lacerated and in fact still living up to this very moment is pretty...great.

I make it sound like a horrid story, it really isn't. Here goes,

On the 15th of September, I pussied out of yet another promise I made a friend to come see him. Wrote my resignation paper, rerouted my ticket, checked out for schools in Manila, asked my aunt if I could live with her children who go to the same school, she said yes so, I called my dad and told him my grand plan. He laughed, then realized the seriousness of my tone and then kept quiet and sighed.

A month later, 14th of October, I landed in the Philippines, I made sure not to wear mascara that time, my first time was a blood bath. I cried on my way out the airport, yes, literally a 10 hours cry. I visited schools, took my pick and now here I am about to enter my 2nd semester as an International Relations Student Majoring in Diplomacy and will hopefully be continuing right after as a Law Student.
I know it's a far cry from being a fashion designer, it was a very pretty dream but I realized I can do so much more with this mouth and the musings in my head, I could barely draw to save my life...but I can talk and I love it, and that I'm required to learn a foreign language is definitely the most titillating part of this college experience. (I don't know why but as I'm typing my mind is reading my blog with a British accent.)

I joined two organizations - CLEP (Center for Language and Education Profiency) and the Debate Society, I love CLEP, I love the people and I love my students, I'm such a soft ball, I've cried about a million times for every student I've had..and I only had 5. They were such sweethearts, I learned so much about their Culture and a couple of words, I have to say I wasn't really a fan of Koreans, let alone Asians before I joined CLEP but they really got me hooked. It was such an honor and a marvelous experience to teach them English the best way I know how, we still communicate from time to time and I really am looking forward to sharing more with new students to come.
This coming semester I'll be joining UNESCO or UNICEF, the Foreign Service Club and some others.

I made a lot of friends as well, mostly Africans - they fascinate me. I dated one for sometime, surprisingly longer than a fruit fly's life span. He was great, we just had very little in common and had too big dreams that we couldn't jeopardize them just to be together, we're both students not that age is a matter. I'll be watching his games maybe, and if he doesn't die of boredom watching me debate well, that would be awesome.

I make it sound like I'm writing an essay for my Politics and Governance class, but I'm really happy though that I get to write at all, I wanted to be a writer but for the life of me, I am too moody for that.

It's also a wholly different experience to be the girl that some of my classmates look up to, I've been in the work front, I've done a lot of things, some I'm utterly proud of and some I will take to my grave in secrecy, mostly because I'm the oldest they've been in class with - besides in my classes with the Engineering guys, I'm the second oldest which is something i take good pride to know..and I'm only 20. Most of them are fresh grads, still a little bit high school oriented, but it's fun to play sometimes, feel a little younger.

I've been working for far too long, talking about marriage and having a family. Frankly, I've moved on from high school WHILE I was in high school it's good to feel like my age sometimes, but really...just sometimes, I'm proud of my battle scars and the things I've gone through to get to this place of peace and the feeling of usefulness....
I've had better grades than all of my years in high school combined, probably because I'm no longer rushing to get out and grow up, I've been out and have grown a little. I know I'm not 40, but I have done way too many in soo little time and indistinguishably excited to do much more.

I live in a nice place with my brother, get three hours of sleep tops even on weekends, but that sense of...doing something, making a difference, even if its just to myself, for now...at some point I'm looking to share it with someone, then a whole lot of someones. (it does sound like an Essay, what the hell)

Although I don't get so much sleep and time to do my hair or put thicker make up than vampire lipstick just to have a little color and hide the night before's stress, it's good to be busy and productive. That's why swimming pools were invented, so I can think more than I do in stable grounds HAHA.

I'm taking back all that's been deprived of me this summer, so I don't really mind being in the couch all day, watching horror movies in the morning and not being able to fall asleep because...something might be lurking around.



Making a difference one step at a time

Good Luck :)

xoxo

Besides Excellence

Everything starts with Psychoanalysis and most of the time ends with it as well, for instance when you enroll for a particular course in a University, or you join a university wide or college based organization, even during an interview for a job that you could so badly want or just a matter of being broke or being forced into responsibility...we all are asked to answer one particular question “Why you?” “Why do you want to join our organization/club?” “Why should we hire you?”

My answer is always along these lines or most of the time all of them; “I am determined”, “I am motivated”, “I work hard”; Two of those is a lie, because although I do work hard, I am very less determined and less motivated, I try hard to do so and find inspirations on why I should be determined and motivated. It’s easier said than done but often covered up by my ability to stay up nights and finish a job to excellence if not perfection.

Just now I was really craving for a smoke, I’ve been bumming around for most of the day knowing that I have two exams to answer to tomorrow, English 11 and Politics and Governance both I have no problem with, Thank God. I love them enough to be listening and giving the best answers possible, most ly because they could be answered subjectively and that’s probably one of my talents – to be able to answer to something I have no single clue about. I think fast and this is why I’m being talked into being a lawyer by anyone who’s spoken with me, when I am at my best (This actually only happens when I’m extremely upset) 

I went out even when it was heavily raining, I played scenarios in my mind knowing that I would come back down later and disrupt my concentration from my 2 minute review so I decided to open my umbrella and go to that old man selling cigarettes by the building, he wasn’t there; Why would he? It’s about to flood, I looked at the street and no store within the area is open so I walked, my iPad tucked in my armpit jeans wet as hell, saw a store asked for a Marlboro Black, they don’t sell’em. Walked more and still nothing till I reach halfway to the end of the street and saw another store, she said she only had lights but they were red ones. I settled. I shouldn’t have, I wasted 5 pesos and eventually threw the stick after 2 hits and regretting that 2 hits right now, reds have this really disgusting after taste and smell.

I always tell people not to settle, but I settled for a red. I always tell people to “follow what your heart says” 

but not once have I followed what my heart said, except this one time I decided to fuck work and go back to the Philippines take up International Relations in Miriam College, here I am but in the Lyceum of the Philippines University which I have grown to really love, but still I settled. Miriam College had a lot of religious things going on and it wasn’t something I wanted to get caught up in, I have enough to argue about. 

I didn’t follow my heart that said go to Brazil, go get that son of a bitch.I learned the language night and day, I worked my ass off at a job that I hated to afford a ticket, I called all the right people, I BOOKED A GOD DAMN HOTEL, I finally bought a ticket...to a different route. I didn’t follow my heart when it said go to FEU since you miss Chris so much, Simply because the going went tough, like I was broke as fuck and my boss was grinding me to my grave or that he won’t answer my call so I’ll just wait for him to come to me instead. But I did follow my heart when it said “These grades are gonna be on your transcript, get anything less than 2.00 and you are not going to do whatever you want to do in the United Nations, get anything less than 2.00 and you will see this on paper” We all fear anything that’s on paper, anything that would literally show us on black and white that we have failed and black and white is scary. I was motivated not to have a below average grade because I know I would have to face it and anything that ruins my future, I do not allow it, if it’s a little heartbreak or losing someone you thought was the one, heh..You’ll find something and/or better and besides no one knows your story, you could simply lie about it. But when it’s written down and for the world to see, worse…for your future to see…Well, that is something else.

I love what I’m doing in school and although the organizations I’ve joined require 27 hours of my day, mostly just to keep me from being bored and from thoughts of wanting to give this up as well for a fun, luxurious life in Abu Dhabi. I’m gonna hold on to this, I’m figuring out what I want to be after I graduate but I’ve always had a feeling I should be traveling, being around women, BECOMING a woman, helping women, I should be a feminist that’s what it sounds like, aye? But truly, honestly I just know that it is harder for women to make it, to prove what they have made and to leave marks we will be proud of, this is what motivates me but simply not enough, I am inspired yes, by Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton and Beyonce, as well but it is not enough and I really hope I find it soon, I’m not referring to a man because at this moment in my life, I am really thankful that I’m not being bothered by one, I have not the time for it and the energy to fight. Motivation and determination if you will. I have set goals, actually I set goals every year, scratch that..I set goals every month and proudly, most of my March issue is already crossed out than any of my other months previously.

To finding what or who keeps us motivated and determined more than just the will to work hard.

Cheers

xx