Closure.

I watched him, Mohammad with my grade-school-so-fucking-inlove-with-you eyes, eyeing him wherever he went wanting to say hi so bad, and tell him I loved him. My beautiful reverie was snapped back to life when his sister - Sara, yelled my name and incessantly teased me about my year-long unknown love for her brother, my friends laugh at me and accuse him of homosexuality, "watch the way he moves, Sarah. He could well be very, very gay" (of course, my dream wouldn't let any grammar mistakes to take place in this horrific mind) "no he's not gay, he's so cute look at those blue eyes that blond hair". I've always wanted to fall in love with a Lebanese, until I realized that most of them do act more womanly than I, which had finally put an end to that era - it was black, bald, talk, handsome, football-playing men from then on. I was defiantly turned off by any Lebanese man who lured around after that harsh slap of reality.

"And then...there was your son...in all his *sigh*" he took my hand and smiled shyly at me, his eyes glinting with ardor and passion for me, his eyes, the reason I fell in love with him - it reminded me of my mother's - ones that even when they're so mad, so afraid, so happy, it all just say one thing - I love you Sarah.

"I really thought I would never fall in love with another Lebanese man, I mean I'm sorry to say this but you just really move very poised, maybe I was jealous...I was 16 and I wore hoodies and rubber shoes to work. I could work heels, I have been since I was 14 but I at least could let my hair down, but you guys just don't seem to do that, I'm sorry, God I need to shut up now! But then, oh my god! He took those Ray Bans off, and his eyes....oh those eyes, Mr. Yaghi!" "Call me Bachar" I have won his heart, even with my yabbering...

"Those eyes, I remember thinking "it was like a key turning in a lock" a quote from a book a read earlier on, I came to work that day thinking "this is going to be fun, I can meet a lot of people, get to know a lot of nationalities, maybe someone to flirt around with nothing serious...." but I knew that wouldn't be the case when he took those Ray Bans off and he smiled at me, reached for my hand and then it was sealed. I was taken, that instant. Fear struck my heart, and I had to shut up, no help from force." I remember I was pained,  my expression happy and awestruck but I was pained - because this man could well be the love of my life and I knew he was...my great love, someone I now call an organ that I didn't know I had, but now have a name for finally - Khalil and he was more important than my beating heart. A piece that if were taken away from me could be the death of me.

His father smiles at me and tears pool his eyes, I wasn't done...I had so much to say about the first time we met, it was nothing compared to the next 10 days we had after, which were also beautiful but they were just an extension and substantiation to what I already knew - that I loved this man, this man who stood in front of me, who talks about me when I'm not around to an Australian family waiting on cue for the zipline, I came and grabbed a harness to help him, he looked at me and there it was again, a feeling I could never get used to, because it was just new every time, he had the same look at it was the same man, but it was always new, and it always sent tingles everywhere.

"Is that her?" said the OZ mother, "it sure is" and with another look that could make me faint under the sun and his stare. "I could just see that there's something going on with you two" I animatedly explained to his father what the OZ mother said, "I mean I wasn't there and he was talking about me, I pretended not to care and just smile but I was dying inside, I wanted to pounce at him and ask him to marry me, these OZ people could be our only guests I wouldn't have cared"

"Will you do us the honor"
"of being a part of our family"
"by becoming my wife?"

It was like music in my ears, his stepmother watches me with a beautiful gleaming smile and I was under pressure...I wanted to scream my answer but I pulled out my phone and called my mom who was 7,423 miles away, to ask her what she thought and she sleepily asked me "why are you asking me?!" and I screamed at them "YES!"

I suddenly jolted out of bed after having woken up from a very long dream, probably from being too giddy and jumping up and down in my reverie, I ran to my laptop wanting to tell you all about it as I did about the green key I found in your jacket, that was my verification that you were the one 3 days after having met you.
"My world is a secret, the only people who can enter is my dad and my best friend...if I gave you a key then it won't be a secret anymore" an icy-cold breeze ran past through my face and my fingers that made me rub my hands and put each in the pockets of the jacket you lent me the night before...and there it was...the key to my world, which brought tears to Danica's eyes.

As I searched for your name on facebook as I always do when I want to say something to you, I realized...we're no longer those people, and we will never be the people in my dream, and I could never let you know exactly how I felt with much animation and ardor and excitement as I do when I tell my mom about you, and how similar your eyes are.

I realized you will never be mine again just as I never did anything to let you know that I felt this way, just as I worked so hard to push you away than to let you know how much I loved you then, it seemed easier at the time. I promised a gazillion times of coming to Brazil and I never pushed through because I'm still scared to let you know till the moment came and I could finally do it, but you were just no longer in love with me, with reasons I can never blame you for. Love, you've found love in someone else and I will forever be grateful for the time we spent together and the times you looked after me although we were 7,423 miles apart, for never leaving my side when I needed you most, for never letting a birthday pass without letting me know you didn't forget. In a couple of weeks, I would've known you for three years now, and I am so glad, so so glad when I think of the times I made you smile, and that you're one of the reasons I'm here trying to make my life better, because I hope that one day I get to tell you about this as well...

And what I felt when you first took those Ray Bans off and asked me to hold your ID while you go and try the zipline before anyone else, and when I took a video of you while you bungee jumped, but most of all, when we sat there listening to Danica's iTouch to songs that could well be the song that we ride the sunset off to those nights and I rest my leg on top of yours in silence and the whole world just disappeared. I love you so...I kept thinking I wouldn't tell anyone about this until this day comes, but the days go by and each day I lose hope, but at the same time I am sincerely and truthfully happy for where your life is leading, you have brought it to yourself and I have no doubt you worked hard for it.

I figured if I don't get to tell you, I could let the world know an inkling of what was going on in my heart when you first took those Ray Bans off... :)

Carpe Diem.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” - Paulo Coelho

Ps. Don't let age or your fear of never meeting anyone else again be the reason that you never meet that ONE person again. :)

The Things That Matter

Looking back at the year that's nearing its end, I realize the things that matter. The people that made them matter, because THEY matter. 

Usually by this time of the year my best friend and I would be sitting at the bar in NRG - where she celebrated her 16th birthday and have grown to love since -  sipping margaritas and corona, talking about heart race to heart breaks, new found love and songs that could possibly be the perfect tune for fading into the sunset before the credits roll in. 

This year I'm not with her, and this year she's with someone else - her husband, who is amazing beyond words, he's not perfect but he's perfect for her and I am grateful for him while I went and try to find myself and more things that matter.

Three months here in the Philippines, I can't say it's bad at all but it sure is better than my first experience here, and this sure wasn't my first choice either. I am still deciding on letting anyone in on the latter, but it sure would be quite a relief - at least I think so.

I decided to come here for a lot of reasons - one of them is that my father is getting old, in 2 years he's going to be retiring and I'd really hate to see the look on his face when he realizes he hasn't made me graduate school - the simplest thing in the world. So I took my bags, bought a ticket online and then told them about my plans - I took a stand which has been a rare sighting from me in ages. The thought of this pool tears in my eyes, I haven't said much about things and that's so not me - things that matter.

Since my reasonable time here in the Philippines, I've felt pretty good, my grades are good, I'm getting to know myself a little more everyday, I help myself discover the people around me, the places I could see, I've recently took on a job in the school's Language and Education Center to teach English to Koreans. My essay was described to be long and poetic, I thought it was irrelevant - my essay. I enjoy my course that is AB Foreign Service major in Diplomacy, I really have no idea what to do with it yet but being in my Political Science two times a week help make it clear to me that I love banter, the healthy ones. At first I was really just taken by the language course it requires, I have a choice between Spanish, French, Mandarin or Japanese. My first choice would be obvious, but then I apply myself in the picture that my classes paint in my mind and I can't say they ain't pretty. I love countries, languages, culture anything that has something to do with diversity and I would one day like to contribute or be one who can leave a footprint in one or more of things that concern those.

I realize that I'm blabbering all over my point, but then that also gives me a glimpse of who I really am and who I was before and some things will just have to be changed, like my decisiveness for one. 

Carpe Diem.

xoxo